Attachment Styles and Marriage: How Therapy Helps Couples Understand Each Other

Have you ever wondered why some couples communicate effortlessly while others feel stuck in endless cycles of conflict or emotional distance—even when they love each other deeply?

Often, the answer lies not in how much love exists—but in how that love is expressed and received.

At Cherry Creek Therapy, we help couples in Denver explore how their attachment styles—the emotional patterns formed in childhood—affect their connection, communication, and ability to navigate challenges in marriage.

Understanding your attachment style (and your partner’s) can transform the way you relate to each other and rebuild the emotional safety that long-lasting relationships require.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory explains how we form emotional bonds and how we behave in close relationships. These patterns start in childhood and are influenced by how our caregivers responded to our needs. Over time, they shape how we deal with closeness, conflict, and vulnerability.

Here are the four main attachment styles:

🟢 Secure Attachment

• Comfortable with emotional closeness and independence

• Able to express needs and respond to a partner’s needs

• Trusts that love and connection are safe

🟠 Anxious Attachment

• Craves closeness, but fears abandonment or rejection

• May appear clingy, overly sensitive, or emotionally intense

• Struggles with reassurance and emotional regulation

🔵 Avoidant Attachment

• Values independence, may downplay emotions

• Often feels overwhelmed by emotional needs or closeness

• May withdraw, shut down, or avoid conflict

🔴 Disorganized Attachment

• Desires connection but also fears it

• May have experienced trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving

• Often exhibits unpredictable or conflicting behaviors in relationships

Note: Many people don’t fit perfectly into one category—they may have traits from multiple styles.

How Attachment Styles Affect Marriage

Your attachment style influences how you:

• Handle conflict

• Express emotional needs

• React to stress, distance, or disagreement

• Interpret your partner’s behavior

When two partners have different attachment styles, it can lead to communication breakdowns and emotional misattunement.

Common Patterns Include:

• Anxious-Avoidant Cycle: One partner seeks closeness while the other pulls away. The more one pursues, the more the other retreats—creating frustration and emotional exhaustion.

• Mutual Avoidance: Both partners shut down or keep the peace by avoiding emotion, leading to emotional distance.

• Anxious-Anxious Dynamic: Both partners seek reassurance but may become reactive or overwhelmed in conflict.

Without understanding these patterns, couples often misread each other’s intentions:

• “They don’t care” might really mean “They feel overwhelmed.”

• “They’re too needy” might mean “They’re afraid of losing connection.”

Real-Life Example

Emma and Ryan’s Story:

Emma has an anxious attachment style. She needs frequent reassurance and becomes distressed when Ryan seems distant. Ryan, with an avoidant style, values calm and space—he tends to shut down when conflict arises.

Every time Emma asks for closeness, Ryan feels pressured and pulls away. Emma panics and pushes harder. Ryan retreats further. The cycle repeats—leaving both feeling misunderstood and emotionally drained.

Through couples therapy, they learned to recognize this pattern and develop new ways to respond:

• Emma learned how to self-soothe and communicate her needs without overwhelming Ryan.

• Ryan learned how to stay emotionally present during hard conversations.

With time, both partners began moving toward secure functioning—where emotional needs are met with empathy and trust.

How Couples Therapy Helps Heal Attachment Patterns

At Cherry Creek Therapy, we use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and attachment-informed approaches to help couples understand and heal their emotional cycles.

In Therapy, You’ll Learn To:

• Identify your own and your partner’s attachment styles

• Recognize the patterns that keep you stuck

• Respond to conflict with empathy instead of reactivity

• Build emotional safety through vulnerability and honesty

• Create secure attachment—even if it wasn’t modeled in childhood

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about blame—it’s about insight. It helps you step out of old habits and into healthier, more connected patterns of relating.

You’re Not Defined by Your Attachment Style

It’s important to know: your attachment style is not your destiny.

With awareness, support, and practice, individuals and couples can rewire their emotional responses, increase emotional availability, and build secure bonds—even if they didn’t grow up with them.

Why This Matters in Marriage

Marriage is one of the most intimate emotional relationships we have. When attachment styles clash, even small issues can feel overwhelming. But when couples understand each other’s emotional needs, they can:

• Prevent unnecessary conflict

• Communicate more clearly

• Show up with compassion instead of defensiveness

• Create a strong, secure emotional foundation

That’s the heart of lasting connection.